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These Eyes (Have Seen)

By: A. W. Finnegan

They say you go through Hell to come out right. That sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself, to die to be reborn. Indeed, I have done so. Like a mythical descent into the dark underworld, life can be as equally haunting and profound.

My story is a story of going through Hell to come out right. A story of making sense of my own life, the deep life lessons and knowledge pertaining to it, the journey back to the light of the Divine, and the wisdom that it brought me. That, to me, is what it truly means to know God, to know what the light inherent in God truly is. It is love, living and learning, and it is the wisdom gained. It is no coincidence that the name of God in the Zoroastrian religion, Ahura Mazda, translates to “Lord Wisdom.”

Unfortunately, for me, growing up and going through Hell to come out right was a turbulent, difficult, painful, and very dangerous journey. I went down divergent paths, some were full of talent, love, and light that allowed me to express my inner divine fire with grace and adoration for life, while some were much darker and brought me to death's doorstep many times, robbed me of so much potential, wasted so much valuable time, and brought unnecessary evils into manifestation. My problems were constantly felt by those around me who loved me, and eventually by others who did not even know me. I was never out to hurt anyone, but it remains true that when we do not love or nurture the Self, first and foremost, those around us will also suffer for it.

Unfortunately, from the time I was in high school, I was irresponsibly put on a variety of addictive prescription medications that derailed my life and eventually destroyed it to the point of total ruin. It took me getting locked up for nearly two and a half years to finally come back into balance with God and the Divine. At this time, I was driven to recover my own inner light and nurture life and my potential, so that I never again return to places like that and having my freedom taken away.

My steep descent into the dark underworld and my recovery was an unsettling experience of going through Hell to come out right, and eventually I did come out right, knowing deeply the value of goodness, righteousness, and the Divine. It is the story I know so well. Life lessons, often learned the hard way, finally taught me to value all that is good, honest, and true, to do what is right for the sake of right, not for reward, and to this day, I live it to the best of my ability, with honesty and sincerity, from ruin to redemption and reinvention. These experiences inspired me to learn the mechanics of life from the inside out, to study and learn Divine Law. Divine Law is a term to denote the mechanics of the mental, spiritual, and moral laws of this existence.

I learned to rise up in the aftermath of total ruin, years of bad choices, habits, mindsets, and mistakes, that nearly extinguished the very life within me, and like the mythical Phoenix, burning and dying in flames, rises up from its ashes and transforms itself into a strong and amazing bird full of life and vitality, with the likeness of the griffin and the dragon.

Sometimes, surrender is our only ally, embracing our failures and shortcomings, and with surrender as the foundation, we can let go of the ego enough to own our mistakes and use them as a way to recreate ourselves, transforming weakness into power, ruin to redemption. A path of complete transformation from the reckless life I had lived for so long, to a life based on all that is good, honest, and true.

The ways I had gone astray in life early on were were fueled by hurt, failure, feeling lost in a cruel world. This was accelerated by the the curse of modern medicine, harmful modern medical prophylactics which produced serious neurotropic disease, including mental health symptoms, and was treated with addictive medications that only exacerbated my decline, before I was even old enough to have a chance in life. This downward spiral culminated in me getting locked up and going away for several years. Eventually, I underwent a painful struggle and a process of realignment with my Self. I was inspired by these struggles to learn and acquire all the knowledge and wisdom I could attain, to further understand not just my own life, but also the world around me, its deeper mechanics, and most of all, the larger whole, the Great Mystery, that is, the Universe. Understanding the universe, however, starts with yourself, like the Hermetic axiom, As Above, So Below. An entire universe is contained within us, as without. It was my responsibility to stay in keeping with our inherent moral obligations and stay in harmony with these natural laws of the Universe.

At this time, I also started doing courses on Divine Law through The Theosophical Society, they offered it for free to prisoners. It was a course to teach people the mechanics of our mind and about morality and doing what is right for us to nurture life and grow, to stop making mistakes that lead us to places like prison. I had contacted them initially, telling them of my situation and that I was bored and could they send me anything interesting to read. They replied telling me they offered these free courses to prisoners; it was quite the coincidence. I immediately replied telling them to sign me up, and they did. I worked with a mentor through written correspondence, and she guided me with input as I did each lesson.

Each lesson had several pages of material and questions to be answered. Each question was to be written like an essay, and I very much enjoyed this. One course was called As A Man Thinketh, and taught about the way our thoughts influence our actions, which influence our circumstances. It talked about our mind being like a garden and nurturing our potential like it was a plant putting forth fruit, while weeding out the plants that don’t belong in the garden. It was a way to put my life back together, learning how the gears of my mind work, with the ultimate aim of taking back control of my life and living in line with Truth and Divine Law. I did that for my entire sentence and it gave me more help and healing than I ever could have through so-called public health professionals, it did more for me than I ever could have imagined, and I continued these studies when I was free. I served my time, I made full use of it, and did everything I could to redeem myself, reinvent myself to be the best version of me that I can be, a journey that never stopped once initiated.

Facing oneself and all the flaws inherent within our imperfect nature takes a lot of courage, honesty, and most of all, sincerity. You make a sincere decision to change for the better, and the only way to do so is to take an honest look at oneself and a commitment to change. The only way to induce this change is to face your ingrained habits, beliefs, thought patterns, actions, and so on. It means facing all the ways we are wrong, all the mistakes we made, and the behaviors that brought these mistakes forth. Some call this shadow work, but I often use the term Inner Work, which I have summed up on my Inner Work page on the Garden of Great Work site: 

Inner Work is an aspect of Divine Law related to Soul Illumination, the initiatory process of Self-development and the work of the individual to tirelessly labor to reach Mastery of Self, to optimize life, to gain control and exude a sense of self-control, discipline, discernment, care, compassion, moral excellence, shadow work, strengthening of the Will and its directed application to effect change in the physical realm we all share, the transmutation of our base desires, past mistakes, habits, traumas, conditioning, into the spiritual gold of our highest ideals aligned with Divine Law, that is, the alignment of Self with the current of Divinity and Order and Harmony inherent in the Divine Creation of this Universe, even amidst a chaotic mess of these dismal ages.

Its been about 10 years since I left the dark chapters of my life, climbed out of the void and into the light, and since that time, I have been able to take myself to new heights never before dreamed of when I was living immersed in darkness and suffering. I took control of the situation and did what I needed to do for myself, on my own incentive and with my own decision-making involved. I started eating better, taking fitness seriously, nurturing life and doing the inner work I need to do to keep my mind healthy.

Without addictive prescription drugs and all the unhealthy lifestyles I had previously lived, I was able to face each problem with clarity and with problem-solving abilities. Little by little, I have been working out my character defects and making progress in optimizing life and my ability to adapt and overcome obstacles, bringing true optimism. My life continues in this direction today, regardless of the challenges and obstacles I am faced with. 

I eventually went to college for graphic design and all seemed to be finally working out for once when I came down with a serious flu-like illness around the same time I had pulled a tick off my back in the spring of 2016. I had the most unusual but severe headaches, dizziness, vertigo, my ears were ringing with tinnitus, I was nauseous and vomiting, my body and joints ached terribly, and I felt horrible. I had to stop school and my life was once again halted in its tracks.

I went to the doctor and was told that it was viral labyrinthitis and would recover in several weeks. The recovery never came, and my health continued in this miserable state. I returned to the doctors many times and they had no answers, they pawned me off to other specialists, who also had no answers, and eventually they decided to tell me nothing was wrong with me. It was the same lack of accountability and responsibility that I knew so well from the public health system. I eventually discovered through expensive tests paid for out-of-pocket that I had Lyme disease (Borrelia burgdorferi), Mycoplasma pneumoniae, reactivated Epstein-Barr Virus (EBV), and HHV-7 virus, underlying these chronic health problems.

Life now had entirely new challenges for me: a slow, chronic disease that has yet to resolve. I became involved in Lyme disease and chronic disease groups online and learned a lot about the immunology and how the diseases worked from some of the activists, some who had backgrounds in biochemistry and medicine. I was able to learn why very few people today are able to recover, and those who usually do, end up experiencing a relapse of disease later in life. My mom actually had Lyme disease many years earlier and struggled to get better for a long time.

It led me into learning and researching my main area of study, the study of immune tolerance and chronic disease. It started with my sickness from Lyme disease, and led me to discover the work of Dr. Erich Traub, the pioneer of immune tolerance and chronic disease, a skilled bioweaponeer who worked for three world superpowers, Germany, the United States, and the Soviet Union. His life work brought me answers and deep perception about my own life that I could have never imagined to find.  After learning the science and immunology underlying my disease, and especially the science that served as Erich Traub’s life work, much of my prior life began to make more sense, why I was having these periodic symptoms of disease all through my life, why I constantly felt this underlying malaise, body and joint pains, cognitive dysfunction, mental health problems, and a long list of other complaints. It brought me answers as to why I had such an uphill battle with just about everything and felt physically awful so much of the time.  

I remembered reading a book called Lab 257: The Disturbing Story of the Government's Secret Plum Island Germ Laboratory, and this was one of the first books I had read that suggested Lyme Disease to be the result of biological weapons lab activities gone awry, whether through accident or intention, and it was the first book that had mentioned the involvement and employment of a former Nazi scientist Dr. Erich Traub, for his involvement when brought to American shores after the Second World War. I remember reading it in late 2005 during a brief period of homelessness and I was trying to kill time and I did not many place to go so I went to the library and this was one of the books I had read. In this book, it talked about an earlier book called The Belarus Secret, written by a Justice Department Federal Prosecutor, John Loftus, who was also a military intelligence officer. His job was to hunt down and prosecute Nazi war criminals hiding in America after the war and prosecute them. He held the highest-level security clearance one can hold in government. It was in his book that that made a startling connection between Lyme disease being a result of biological warfare and biodefense activities gone awry:

“Even more disturbing are the records of the Nazi germ warfare scientists who came to America. They experimented with poison ticks dropped from planes to spread rare diseases. I received some information suggesting that the U.S. tested some of these poison ticks on the Plum Island artillery range off the coast of Connecticut during the early 1950’s. I explored the old spies’ hypothesis that the poison ticks were the source of the Lyme Disease spirochetes, and that migrating waterfowl were the vectors that carried the ticks from Plum Island all up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Most of the germ warfare records have been shredded, but there is a top-secret U.S. document confirming that “clandestine attacks on crops and animals” took place at this time. The Lyme Disease outbreak in America was monitored secretly under the cover of a New England health study.

Now being many years later, I began to research these areas more thoroughly, and it led me to began writing a book which took me close to five years of heavy concentration, research, and writing. I had compiled a timeline and eventually I had found a way to contact John Loftus online and I sent him my timeline and he was very impressed. We began to keep in touch and communicate. I told him of my book project and I began to ask him more about people like Erich Traub, Lyme disease, and so on. Eventually, he introduced me to some film makers who were looking to make a film about this subject and the Cold War activities involved. I began to help them with their film project, because they were able to help me get a lot of research materials I needed for my book, while serving as research consultant for their film. It was all mutually beneficial and of course I continued to talk to John and asked him if he was interested in writing the introduction to my book, and he accepted.  is now just about to be published and is up on for pre-order.

Aside from this area of study and focus, my Mysteries go far deeper, and who I am today is also shaped by many spiritual faces and inspirational alliances with plants, animals, and supernatural forces like angels and jinn. All of these forces are a part of my life, both literal and symbolic. I forever remain an individual with many mysteries, layers of depth, and originality. I think for myself and do not identify with any socially-engineered constructs based on race, religion, politics, or trends. In order to escape these divisive constructs, we should all consider taking the road less traveled, thinking for ourselves and coming to know what the Great Mystery truly holds and discovering it for ourselves…

"by exploration of the facts natural sciences base the moral life of man on a solid foundation; they liberate him from fear and let him recognize the glory and magnitude of divine creation." - Seneca

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